Friday, November 21, 2008

The Talk

I loathe - ahem - love children. Especially when they start thinking on their own, and becoming independent. The other day, I am at my office later in the evening actually doing some work, when Amber calls me and asks: "When will you be home?"

"Fairly soon, I'm just finishing up on some stuff. Why are you still up?" Amber usually goes to bed just after eating dinner. She doesn't wait around for anything, for example, Christmastime she will begin taking down the decorations and tree, as we are unwrapping presents.

"I have something I need to tell you." Amber replys cryptically.

'Oh crap.' I think to myself. "What is it? Is it bad?"

"You're not in trouble, unless you are. It was inevitable, nevertheless." Amber responds.

So of course I shut everything down and as I'm driving home, every possibly scenario is running through my mind. 'Did the carnies finally spill the beans?' 'Our neighbors finally went nuts on our boys and won't watch them anymore.' 'The State is charging us because I inadvertantly "mooned" Sarah Palin's daughters.'

I arrive home, and Amber is looking very casual and nonchalant as she is sewing on her latest project. She tells me to sit down. It's time for the news.

"I had 'The Talk' with the boys."

"...." I sit processing the information.

"You know - how babies are made.?."

(Blink, Blink). Lightbulb!

"So I'm not in trouble?"


"Whew. . . ok, so what happened?"

"I had 'The Talk' with the boys. It just came up - STOP Giggling Bob."

"How did that happen?"

So Amber lets me know what transpired during the evening prayers that led to "The Talk." I sit, taking it all in. I'll share the highlights.

During the prayer, Dylan would say "Sex." while Amber was saying the prayer. Afterwards, Amber asked what in the world just happened. And asked if they knew what that word meant. Caleb covered his eyes in embarrassment, and said: "I think I do."

Please Caleb expound: "It's like what they do on Top Gun."

Amber did her duty and told the boys what sex was really about. I'd get into it, oh, see I can't even begin without giggling. . . .

So turn on the afterburners and get ready for Sex Ed 101 from Maverick & Goose et. al.

Maverick: This is what I call a target rich environment.
Goose: You live your life between your legs Mav.
Maverick: Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.
Goose: Hell, I'd be happy to just find a girl that would talk dirty to me.

Charlie: What do you wanna do? Just drop down on the tile and go for it?
Maverick: No, actually I had this counter in mind.
Charlie: Great, that would be very, very comfortable, yeah.
Maverick: It could be.

Stinger: How long will it take?
Officer: It'll take ten minutes.
Stinger: Bull-oney ten minutes! This thing will be over in two minutes! Get on it!

Goose: Is this your idea of fun, Mav?

Merlin: What are you doing? You're slowing down, you're slowing down!
Maverick: I'm bringing him in closer, Merlin.
Merlin: You're gonna do WHAT?

Maverick: Too close for missles, I'm switching to guns.

Slider: Splash that sucker, yeah!

Viper: Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. They are not flexible, nor am I. Is that clear?

Carole: But he would've done it anyway... without you. He'd have hated it, but he would've done it.

Iceman: You up for this one, Maverick?

Maverick: I can hold my own.


Steven M. Adami said...

A few thoughts.
First, knowing Bob I was convinced that when the time came for "the talk", he'd show the boys a video (Hustler just released 'Nailin' Palin).
Second, I find it ironic that Top Gun, which includes how many homo-erotic post-flight shower scenes, was used as the impetus for "the talk". There's 'the talk' and then there's 'the fabulous talk'. One's for kids, the other for confused teens and adults.
Third, I know Bob (between giggles) is thanking the Great Spirit that he didn't have to give "the talk" and that the mature spouse took care of business.

DangGina said...

Better Amber to give the news that I right?